"Let’s change the subject!"

Cried the March Hare–and I quite thoroughly concur! A change of subject is an order! New Topic: Me & My Interests.

So I keep checking in on this Craigslist site to see if I’ve “missed” any “connections” here in Boston, really just hoping to get a little boost for my ego, because I have no intention on getting caught up in anything more than what I’ve got going on at the moment. I suppose I’d just like to see that someone else out there fancies something about the way I’m doing something–my hair, my attire, my choice in literature, the way I’m holding the book or my reaction to a certain line in it. Something. At this point, anything–aside from my busom or buns (neither of which are particularly remarkable). Well, months have gone by, and I’ve got to admit: I’m getting nothing. If ever I happened upon a post for a curly headed fraggle, my ocular ears would perk up at the chance mention of my person. But it’s for naught. There are no fraggle-freaks out there, no afficionados of the afro-curl-puff thing I’ve got goin’ on. ::sigh::

That’s alright though. It just humbles me, as it should. If I spend too much time thinking about myself and my twisted tortured libido I just come all undone. It’s better that I take the time to work on making myself a better person, it’s just a shame I don’t know where to start! I always try to find myself at a park or in a bookstore, but I am wide of my own location. ‘I haven’t pinpointed “me” yet.’ But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to give up the search and just give my life over to the service of others; I find that somewhat defeatist, and surrender of that sort I am not willing to undergo. Serving who? If it were someone definitively better, then yes, it would be to a good purpose. But serving the general populace? No, that won’t do. I can’t lay myself down to be tread upon by swine; to be used by an intelligent person with some sort of purpose or end in mind, that I could do, and want to do–since I have no direction of my own at the moment. But abuse, never that.

Note how I put myself on a pedestal here. “I” can’t be tread upon by swine, “I” must be used by an intelligent [read: worthy] person. What makes me think I’m so special? Funny, isn’t it? I didn’t even notice myself doing that until it was all written out. Glad I said it, too. Now we have something to critique. I think that overall, this is fairly easily pegged as a narcissitic thought process, with the earlier paragraph somewhat indicative of a histrionic personality. Not that I’m either one of those, but that the thoughts seem to have certain relations to those particular categories of personality types. That spells “problem”, and I don’t really want that kind of problem, do I? Or do I? I don’t think so. So what do I want? I don’t know…who’s asking? Me. I don’t think I can ask myself that. I think someone else has to ask it so I can answer. Usually the question is, “What do you want [from me]?” so that’s what gets answered. But if I were asking myself, what would I answer? I don’t know.

Let’s sleep on this one for tonight.


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