In response to CMU’s late lecturer, I’m going to be working on this multi-part post for what I believe will be a few days. Perhaps longer. Its goal is to pinpoint, if possible, the childhood dreams/aspirations I had. Obviously as a child. It would be great if this just poured out from me like water from a geyser, but I didn’t really have very difficult dreams as a child, and not very many–so I’m trying to get past the problems occluding my view of what those aspirations might have been. To do so, I must identify the problems, solve them, or make them viewable–believeably–as non-problems any more, and get on to the meat of the issue.
Okay, so lets start with the mega-Freudian problem:
Problem 1.1: Mom was sad/in pain.
So mother was in one abusive relationship after the next. She never had a normal job until after my step-father OD’d and died. There were physically horrific altercations, years of alcohol & drug abuse, depression, anger, lies, and desperation. These activities and the resultant emotions made her depressed. Being involved in all of this, especially seeing how it affected her, made me angry and depressed in turn, at not being able to help her feel better. It still this way today.
Related Aspirations: See Mom happy. See Mom not drunk. See Mom not fighting.
Resolution: Well, Mom’s been in AA for a couple years now (2 years out of 27 would be 2% of the time), and hasn’t been fighting since dad died. Now I’ve just got to see her happy. I think the only way to do this is through money. On to Problem 2.1.
Problem 2.1: We were poor.
As a result of the above-listed description of mother’s circumstances, we were destitute.
Related Aspirations: Be very wealthy, or at least able to have home & pay related bills.
Resolution: I’m working my way up, and am now making myself just a few thousand below the average household income. I give her some money every pay period, but it’s never really enough since I do put my credit before almost everything else at this point. If she can hold out another 8 months a lot of things will be paid off and I can give her much more.
Problem 3.1: We were shamed.
With all of the above going on, we had many reasons to feel ashamed in our family.
Related Aspirations: To not be ashamed.
Resolution: This is kind of an artificial problem, because I can just say I don’t have any shame and be done with it. However, if I were individually sat down in earnest, I’d come clean and admit the shame. We’re living clean now, and I think things are getting better all around.
In light of these problems and their pending resolutions, what were my dreams aside from the aspirations in reaction to the growing pains?
To have a library. That smelled of leather & rich mahogany perhaps.
– To have a library I’d have to have a house, and I don’t make enough for that. In fact, based on how much houses cost now at days and my student loans in consideration, I won’t be able to afford a house. Ever. As it stands, I do have a shitload of books in my trunk, and I can sleep in my car if needs be, so we’re halfway there.
To ride a horse. Preferrably a black one.
– Rode a crazy horse while working as a summer camp aide at 15. One of the best days of my life. That was a dream come true, albeit on a brown quarterhorse named Cash. At’il do.
To not be picked on, called names, or beaten up.
– Don’t really get picked on anymore, not a lot of name calling in the work industry, and I definitely don’t get beaten up (though at 5 feet tall it could happen). Now-at-days, anything that someone does that displeases me I walk out on, so that works for me.
To know about everything and how stuff works. Lightning, TV, bookbinding, trees & plants, my eyes/vision, manufacturing factories, lightning bugs’ butts, etc.
– I know about a lot, but never enough. This is one dream that won’t come true in its entirety, because it’s still alive & evolving. I always want to know something else. This is a good defeat.
All in all, I guess the only remaining dream I have is ‘to know’. I’m always working on that, so I guess I just need to get a more specific list of what I want to know going. Perhaps this professor’s childhood dream thing works for others, but I’ve got to admit, doesn’t really work for me. Am I supposed to feel contented or successful after this? If so, I failed.